Mission #1: The Distress of Haruhi Suzumiya

DISCLAIMER: The PPC is the property of Jay and Acacia, Haruhi Suzumiya and all related concepts belong to Nagaru Tanigawa, and “The Distress of Haruhi Suzumiya” belongs to thepenmeetspaper. I make no claim to any of the above, particularly not the last one. Honestly, thepenmeetspaper is welcome to it.

The argument over the top bunk in Response Centre #743 had been going on for quite a while now, and was frankly getting rather tiresome.

“I’ve been around the longest!” KF insisted. “I should get it!”

“Yeah, well, I’m the most alive!” MFPC shot back. “So it should be mine!”

“That is blatant vitalist thinking-”


The two recruits clapped their hands over their ears. “What is that noise?!” Emm grimaced.

“I think it’s the new mission alarm!”

“Make it stop!”

“I am!” Kay made it to the console and found the make-it-stop button, which was helpfully labelled “Make It Stop”. She slammed her fist down on it, and the ear-splitting beep was immediately replaced by blessed silence.

“So? What’s the mission?” Emm joined her at the console.

“Haruhi Suzumiya fic, apparently. Kyon gets shot for some reason, declares his undying love for Haruhi… blecch. Oh, and it came with a note.”

New Agents, the note read,

As this is your first mission, and we unfortunately cannot provide you with supervision due to an emergency situation in Glee, we have provided you with a nice, simple exorcism on which you can “cut your teeth”, so to speak. There are no dangerous Mary-Sues, and you have indicated that you are both familiar with this continuum, so this should be fairly easy for you as a training assignment. Good luck!

F. Hyacinth

“Well, that’s considerate of it,” Emm said, having yet to learn that “considerate” was not a term with which the Flowers were overly familiar.

After a bit of jiggery-pokery, Kay managed to call up the disguise generator. “Alright… so, we’re random North High students, I guess. Should just be a simple costume change.”

“What equipment will we need?” Emm asked, rummaging through the gear they had been provided. “CADs, remote activators…”

“Hmm… well, it’s an exorcism, so bell, book and candle. Do we have a bell?” Kay was tweaking the settings for her costume.

“They didn’t give us one… ooh, hey! A vuvuzela!”

“…Why did they… alright, vuvuzela, book and candle. Should we take a DVD of the anime, or one of the light novels?”

Emm produced a copy of the first season and a copy of the first novel. “They gave us one of each. Maybe anticipating the mission.”

“Alright… candle?”

“We have a candle stub.” He showed Kay a tiny lump of wax with a bit of wick stuck in it.

“That’ll… have to do, I guess. Grab a rope, too, we may need to tie them up… You handle the charge list, I’ll handle everything else. Deal?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Kay punched a button and a portal appeared in the air.

“Ooooh. Pretty.” Emm picked up their gear and made for the portal.

“Wait.” Kay stopped him. “This is a first-person fic. I read that you’re supposed to use crash dummies for these, so you don’t get possessed or something.”

“But Kyon’s narrating. He’s a canon character; surely the Words would just… have him do a voiceover or something? Besides, they didn’t give us a crash dummy in the kit.”

“Maybe we should go ask for one.” Kay was looking doubtful.

“It took us like five hours to find this place. We might never find the… crash dummy… store. Look, if I get possessed, just exorcise me.”

“Fine,” Kay said wearily. “You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

The duo stepped through the portal.

Upon arrival in the fic, Kay and Emm found their clothes immediately replaced by North High uniforms – shirt, tie, blazer and slacks for Emm, and a blue and white sailor fuku for Kay.

“Hey! I’m liking this blazer.” Emm straightened it out, marvelling at how smart he looked. “And check me out! I’m all anime!” He ran his hands over his face. “Wow, my eyes got big.”

“This is demeaning,” Kay growled, tugging her too-short skirt down a bit. “Where are we, exactly?”

They looked around at what appeared to be a Generic Japanese Classroom – the fic hadn’t specified where it was set yet.

Emm frowned. “Do you hear someth-”

Disclaimer: I dont own any part of the haruhi suzumiya series

Emm was bowled over by the disclaimer as it whizzed past. Kay, amused, helped Emm to his feet, only for him to be knocked down again by the title.

The Distress of Haruhi Suzumiya

“Distress of Kay and Emm, more like,” Kay said, briefly slipping into MST mode out of habit as she helped Emm up again.

“Ow. Coulda warned me,” Emm grumbled.

“Yeah, but that wouldn’t have been as fun.”

The fic began in earnest with a droning voiceover that sounded vaguely like Kyon, if Kyon had all the warmth and will to live sucked out of him.

It was a sunny day at school today to sunny some might say but not me I thought it was perfect.

“To Sunny!” a passing student declared, dramatically pointing into the distance.

“…who the hell is that?” Emm murmured.

“I think that would be Some,” Kay replied, somehow maintaining a straight face. “Write that down as a charge. Umm… creating random characters from bad grammar.”

As usual I was in the club room playing Othello with Koizumi when a certain someone burst through the door.

The Generic Surroundings morphed into the SOS Brigade’s club room. Well, kind of. It very closely resembled the SOS Brigade’s club room, but there was something about it that seemed kind of… off. Like the horrible writing had distorted it in a way that Kay and Emm couldn’t quite pin down.

The two Agents watched from the corner as the door flew open to admit… a hazy, indistinct figure, given that the author hadn’t specified who that certain someone was. The Words settled on a vague outline of Haruhi as the most likely candidate for such an action.

“ok everyone today where going to” “stop right there Haruhi. Why don’t you say hello first before explaining your next hair brained scam to drain both my energy and wallet” I rudely interrupted

The fuzzy shape resolved itself into that of Haruhi Suzumiya at Kyon’s confirmation, and owing to the lack of paragraphing, both she and Kyon spoke the latter sentence at exactly the same time.

“Well. That was… odd.” Kay blinked.

“‘I rudely interrupted’? Jeez, Kyon, don’t be so hard on yourself.” Emm scratched his head. “And… ‘hair brained scam’?”

“I think he meant ‘hare-brained scheme’. Write that down under Malapropism.”

“humph why did you have to spoil my mood Kyon” she said with a upset look on her face.

The Agents stared incredulously. “Kyon? Ruin Haruhi’s mood?” Kay snorted. “Like she actually listens to a word he says.”

“Takes more than that to upset her,” Emm agreed, pulling out a CAD and taking a reading on Haruhi.

[Haruhi Suzumiya. Female ERROR: SPECIES DATA NOT FOUND. Canon. Out Of Character 32% and rising.]

“Having Kyon actually ruin Haruhi’s mood by being rude to her. Write that down,” Kay said, and Emm obediently added it to the list.

” ’cause if I didn’t you would of carried on without your manners” I said with a smirk creeping out from my usual expression

A small hatch opened up in Kyon’s face, and a tiny grinning creature resembling a Smurf crept out. Kay managed to catch it before it fled under a bookshelf. “Creation of a… well, I’d say this is the Smirk.”

“It’s kind of cute. Can we keep it?” Emm asked, scribbling down the charge.

“Frankly, I don’t like its attitude,” Kay grumbled, but handed it to Emm, who put it in his pocket.

“I shall call him Grinsby,” he said happily.

“fine what ever” she said in a slightly irritated tone of voice

as she sat down me and Koizumi continued our game of Othello.

“Koizumi and I,” Kay corrected. “Get another reading on Haruhi.”

The OOC reading had jumped to 37.88%. While he was at it, Emm scanned both Kyon and Koizumi.

[Kyon ???. Human male. Canon. Out Of Character 27% and rising.]

“Yeah, Kyon doesn’t say these things aloud,” Kay said, examining the screen. “He just thinks them.”

[Itsuki Koizumi. Human male. Canon. Bit character.]

Kay winced. “Reducing Koizumi to bit status? Write that down.”

As Emm added the fresh charge, he noticed another fuzzy shape sitting on a chair in the opposite corner. “Kay, what’s that?”

Kay looked at the new anomaly. “I think it’s where Yuki is supposed to be…” She glanced at the Words. “The author doesn’t mention her once in the entire fic. In canon, she’s always in that spot, but the author seems to have completely ignored her… Ignoring the character of Yuki Nagato. Definitely a cha-”

There was a sickening lurch as the fic suddenly shifted forward to about an hour into the game of Othello. The two agents were knocked off their feet, and landed in a tangled heap on the floor.

“Off,” Kay commanded, pushing Emm away and staggering to her feet.

Emm groaned. “What the feck was that?”

“Time distortion, I think… write that under the Yuki thing…”

“Can I throw up first…?”

“No, you’ll mess up the floor.”

Suddenly a explosion of emotion erupted from the the girl sitting behind the computer

A rapidly-expanding fireball burst from Haruhi’s body and swept across the clubroom, and the Agents felt angry, happy, sad, scared, trustful, surprised, distrustful and anticipatory all at the same time for a brief instant as it passed over them.

“Owwwwww!” Emm clutched his head and reached for the Bleeprin he suddenly wished he’d packed.

“Urgh.” Kay massaged her temples. “That was… disorienting. Write that… whatever it was down.”

“you guys are so boring how can you sit there playing that game in silent all day everyday!” She screamed while scratching her head furiously

A small sign immediately appeared over Kyon and Koizumi’s heads, reading “Welcome to Silent, Pop. 2”. Kay snorted upon seeing it, while Emm was more amused by Haruhi scratching her head like a chimpanzee. He made sure to jot that down.

almost in the same instant that the sound reached our ears and as Koizumi jumped I sighed and turned to the girl and began to try and explain

There was an audible grinding noise as time attempted to figure out what had just happened, and in what order. Emm groaned and covered his head. “Someone make it stop…”

“Hey. Focus. We’ve got a long way to go yet.”

“for starters calm down and ill explain it to you” I said in a stern but calm voice

as she looked at me she instantly calmed down almost keen to listen. As I saw this I sighed again and began

The two Agents stared in disbelief.

“Kyon… instantly calmed Haruhi down?” Emm asked, unable to believe it.

“What manner of voodoo did he use, exactly? Emm. Get a reading on Haruhi.”

The CAD gave a shrill squawk as Emm pointed it Haruhi’s way.

[Haruhi Suzumiya. Female ERROR: SPECIES DATA NOT FOUND. Canon. Out Of Character 55% and rising. WARNING! CHARACTER RUPTURE IMMINENT!]

“Ooooh, this is bad… Write down that he made Haruhi want to listen to him,” Kay muttered.

“we sit here playing ‘that’ game because there’s nothing better to do and its the only game both me and Koizumi know how to play”as I went to take a breath she went to speak. So I said “I’m not finished yet” as the words hit her ears she closed her mouth to listen again

The words “I’m Not Finished Yet” smacked into Haruhi’s ears with an audible clang, and the CAD in Emm’s hands screeched in protest at Haruhi allowing herself to be interrupted.


“For Andraste’s sake, Emm, put that thing away before it melts!” Kay snapped.

“As the actress said to the bishop.” Emm hastily stowed the CAD.

“i would play chess or another game if I knew how” I said in a almost sarcastic voice

as I looked at her. She had a smug smile on her face almost as though she was mocking me .

“Kyon if you didn’t know how to play chess why didn’t you ask me to teach you” she said with her smile widening almost to the point where her mouth would rip apart

The Agents stared in horror and disgust as Haruhi’s mouth began bleeding at the corners.

“OK, that has to hurt,” Emm said, trying not to look.

“She’s going to need some medical attention…”

as I sighed a knock came from the club room door and the angelic sound of miss Assihina’s voice rung through my ears

Kay choked. “Miss What?!

“Did I hear that right?”

“Apparently…” Kay’s attention was suddenly drawn to a small, translucent blue thing determinedly punching a leg of the table. “What the…?”

“Is that a Celestial?” Emm looked baffled. “What’s it doing outside closed space?” He got the CAD out again and pointed it at the Celestial.

[miss Assihina. Mini-Celestial. Non-canon. Misspelling of: Mikuru Asahina.]

“Oh!” Kay suddenly realised what had happened. “This must be one of those Mini things. They pop into existence when the author misspells somebody’s name.” She picked up the Mini. “It’s cute, in a world-destroying monster born from Haruhi’s boredom and frustration kind of way. Here, you mind it.” She handed the blue not-so-giant to Emm, who sat it on his shoulder. “And I’m fairly certain that’s a charge.”

“M-may I come in” she said in that sweet voice of hers

“Mikuru why are you asking your the one who people have to knock for” haruhi said in that annoying voice she does

as I stood up to go out the room so miss Assihina could change Haruhi shouted


“Ow.” Kay cleaned out her ear with her finger. “Making Haruhi shout in all-caps. That’s a charge.”

“I’m going out side so miss Assihina can change into whatever stupid costume you have for her today” I replied in a slightly annoyed voice

“Hey, can we stay in here? Maybe Mikuru will do something OOC while she’s changi-”

No.” Kay dragged Emm out after Kyon and Koizumi.

as me and Koizumi where waiting outside there was a small change in the air which I thought was my imagination until Koizumi mentioned it and asked me about it

50 yen in assorted coins hovered past, which Emm grabbed and pocketed. “Making coins appear in mid-air.” He wrote that down.

“did you feel that too Kyon” he said with that stupid smile of his

“Uhhhm” I replied not wanting to begin a conversation with him

as he went to question me about the wordless answer a loud noise could be heard through the corridors

” I wonder what that was?” Koizumi calmly questioned

As the fic had not specified what the “loud noise” had been, it defaulted to “airhorn”. The two Agents plugged their ears until it passed.

“Well, at least Koizumi’s reasonably in character…” Kay said. “We shouldn’t need to exorcise him. I hope.”

” I dont know wait here and watch over the door while I check” I replied gulping my words as they came out

The Agents were treated to the odd sight of Kyon gulping down words from a Slurpee cup as they came out of his mouth.

“I honestly could have lived without seeing that,” Kay deadpanned.

“Well, I mean, technically…

“Let’s not argue semantics. Just write that down.”

as I was walking down the stairs I heared a louder noise almost like a mini explosion at first I tought it could have been the science club but they where in a lab in the other building then I thought it could of…nah they wouldn’t even attempt that.

At the words “mini explosion”, miss Assihina promptly blew up, singeing Emm’s ear.

“So much for our mini-Celestial…” Kay sighed.

“Nooo! We were just getting to be friends!” Emm wailed, distraught.

“Write it down, we’ll punish the author-wraith for it.”

as I carried on walking I saw a splat of what looked like red paint on the wall I was curious but I was trying to find the source of the loud noises. As I made a right turn towards the calligraphy club someone grabbed my shoulder then put there hand my mouth

There was the grotesque sight of Kyon’s shoulder merging with somebody’s hand and covering his mouth.

“Oooogh… I don’t feel well…” Emm looked distinctly queasy.

“Bodily distortions… write that down…” Kay didn’t look so hot herself.

“sushhhhhh. Kyon” a familiar voice came from behind me
as I looked through the corner of my eye I noticed who it was. As I did I noticed I ripped there hand away from my mouth

Emm’s digestion couldn’t handle that sight, and he promptly ran to the window and retched. Kay somewhat sympathetically rubbed his back.

“Haruhi what are you doing you scared me half to death” I whispered in a angry tone

“well I heared noises from the clubroom and Koizumi told us you was trying to find out what they where” she said in a scared voice

“so… is that it? And what are you scared about?” I asked in a cynical voice

“well you just left us there with no protection so I came to find you” she said in a soft voice

Kay shook her head. “No. Haruhi runs towards interesting noises. Making Haruhi scared of some stupid noise, definitely a charge.”

“what are you talking about? I left Koizumi to watch over both of you” I said in a frustrated voice

” Ok then it wasn’t exactly no protection but looking after two people is hard so he can look after Mikuru and ill look after you” she said in a happy but scared voice

“Jesus. Be more imaginative about how you say things!” Kay said in an angry voice.

“I don’t like this fic,” Emm said in an ill voice.

“Oh, suck it up,” Kay said in a snippy voice.

” well at least your back to normal but im the one protecting you remember” I said lightening the mood

“This fic couldn’t touch normal with a forty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole,” Kay growled. Meanwhile, the mood appeared to float off the ground a short distance, having been lightened by Kyon’s statement.

as we carried on there was a loud scream followed by a bang then a thump. As it happened Haruhi grabbed my blazer as tight as she could then loosened when she noticed that my ribs where still sore form getting hit by a baseball bat a few weeks ago for defending her from a gang of baseball players that tried to do stuff I don’t want to talk about .

“Wait, what? What?!” Emm snapped out of his gastric distress. “A gang of baseball players tried to rape Haruhi? When did this happen? That’s not canon!” He angrily scribbled it down.

“Obviously, the author wanted Kyon to be some kind of knight in shining armour.” Kay shook her head in disgust.

As soon as she loosened up I let out a sigh of relief followed by a sharp stabbing pain where she just loosened her grip from

she soon noticed what happened and took her arms from around me and looked at myface to see if she could notice when the pain had stopped

“‘Myface’? Like… Myspace and Facebook combined?” Owing to the fragile canon, an “ESPON” laptop computer popped into existence at the sound of Emm’s joke, displaying a “Myface” login page. Haruhi looked at it, to see if she could notice when the pain had stopped.

Kay glared at Emm. “Don’t do that again.”

Emm swiped the ESPON when Haruhi was done with it, and put it in the bag. “Free laptop,” he explained, when Kay shot him a Look.

suddenly we heard a loud noise from the corridor infront of us as I noticed they weren’t voices of any teachers and they where to rough to be teenage voices I pushed haruhi through a door that luckily had the key still in the lock and locked itas I did it I told her to be quiet and “I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you more about what was about to happen but whatever you hear you have to keep this door shut and not draw attention to herself” as I told her this I slid the key under the door and ran towards the noise

“So… did anything Kyon just said make the slightest bit of sense?”


“Just checking.” Emm scribbled down a charge for that.

I got to half way down the corridor before I saw them each wearing all back clothes and holding some weird type of machine gun

The Agents blinked. And blinked again.

The Generic Gangsters that had just materialised were, indeed, wearing “all back clothes” – that is, consisting only of the back. Their front portions were completely exposed.

The machine guns they were carrying were purple with orange spots, and shaped like bananas.

“Yup, that’s… that’s a weird type of machine gun, alright,” Kay said, slightly stunned.

“Why aren’t they wearing…”

“The miracle of typography errors.”

“well well well looks like we’ve got a brave one here boys” the man closest to me said in a joking voice

“looks like we’ll have to see how brave he actually is ay boss” the man right form me replied

“yeah lets do it” said the rest of them

“NO!” said the man closest to me again “he’s mine” he said with a evil smile

“So not only are they completely generic random mooks, they’re stereotypical generic random mooks. Charge for that, Emm.”

as he took his machine gun off his shoulder and placed it on the ground I clenched my fist then loosened it again realizing the state my body was in. then I asked

“why are you here? Why are you doing this?” I asked wanting to know the reason I was going to die

“why?” he said widening his smile “for money”

“…for money?!” Kay smacked her head against the wall. “That is seriously the only reasoning this author could come up with for generic exhibitionist gangsters shooting up a school? Who would pay someone to do this? Emm. Charge.”

“Hang on, I’m running out of paper!” He turned over a fresh page.

almost instantly after I heard his answer I ran at him expecting to be shot by one of his underlings. As I reached him I clenched my fist and swung straight for his face and screamed “you did this for money? Killing all those students”

“Valid question. Please answer it.”

“Don’t hold your breath,” Kay said.

with the smile creeping back on his face swung my fist again and again

The Words created the oddly comical sight of the head goon’s mouth swinging a fist identical to Kyon’s.

“More body distortions,” Kay muttered.

“how did you know we killed people” he said restraining hiself from laughing

“Weeeeell, the guns are kind of a clue… even if they do look like mutant bananas…”

The head goon slapped his hand over a nearby elf, who was trying not to laugh. The elf wore a nametag saying “PROPERTY OF HEAD GOON”.

“how couldn’t I know. The loud noises that sounded like explosions, the screaming and the red stuff on the walls which I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t that” I replied as a loud noise came from below me and a cold feeling suddenly entering my body followed by a UN-beleivable pain in the exact same spot.

The loud noise was, in fact, a quack. The weird machine guns made a quacking noise when they fired. Neither Agent was, by this point, in the least bit surprised.

As the fic never actually specified which spot felt the pain, Kyon’s bullet wound was left to drift aimlessly all over the lower half of his body. “Charge for the Amazing Wandering Bullet Hole,” Kay said, watching its progress with morbid curiosity.

As I fell to the side I felt the blood escaping my body an gushing through my hand which I was using to stop the blood

“As opposed to the hand which he wasn’t using to stop the blood…” Emm said under his breath.

“should I finish him off boss?” asked one of the underlings

“no” he said calmly while standing up “let him suffer”

as he picked up his gun he and the rest of the men walked away from me leaving me to die.

“Now, as for you two…” the head mook sneered.

Kay and Emm looked up, startled.

“Yeah, you. Don’t think we didn’t notice ya, bein’ all smart-alecky.”

The duo glanced at each other. “I thought canons weren’t supposed to see us!” Emm hissed.

“Oh, yeah, like a bunch of streaking gangsters shooting up North High are canon characters!” Kay whispered back, panicked.

“Get ‘em, boys!” the generic leader barked.

“RUUUUN!” Emm turned on his heel and fled, Kay not far behind.

“Emm! Why don’t you-”

“No time, just run!”

They skidded round a corner and pelted down the stairs, the goons still in hot pursuit.

“Man, why can’t we lose these guys?” Emm wailed, his pulse pounding in his ears as a line of bullet holes appeared in the ceiling above him.

“Listen, we can just-”

“Tell me later!

There was a rapid-fire series of quacks, and a phut.

Kay yelped, clasping the back of her skirt. “Aaaaaaagh! My ass! Those faceless half-naked bastards shot me in the ass!

“Keep running!” Emm wheezed. “There’ll be time to swear when we’re safe!”

“Run? Why the feck are we running?! You have the Remote Activator, you idiot, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Use it!

“…Oh. Right.” Emm grabbed the device from the backpack and hit a button, the portal opening just in time for them to dive through into an empty classroom.

Emm sat down heavily in a chair. “Phew… that was a close one.”

Kay limped over to a desk and leaned on it, still clutching her bleeding backside. “Nice, easy exorcism, they said. No dangerous Sues, they said…”

“Well, technically speaking I don’t think those guys were Sues…”

“Oh, shut up!” Kay exhaled. “Are we safe? Is there time to swear?”

Emm opened the classroom door and checked the outside hallway. “Yeah. Think so.”


Kay paused for a moment, then took a deep breath and let rip.

Your mother is a [beep beep beep]ing [beep] lorem ipsum [beep beep beep] admenum veniam [beep beep beep beep] tragula [beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep] hippopotamus [beep beep beep beep beep beep] Republican [beep beep beep]ing Daniel Radcliffe [beep beep beep beep] with a bucket of [beep beep beep beep] in a castle far away where no one can hear you [beep beep beep beep beep beep] soup [beep beep beep] with a bucket of [beep beep] Mickey Mouse [beep beep] with a stick of dynamite [beeeeeeep] magical [beep beep beep beep] ALAKAZAM!

She brushed her hair from her face, panting. “Huh. I feel better already.”

Emm was shell-shocked. “…Was that the Elder Swear?”


“…How did you remember all th-”

“Never mind that! We have to figure out how to deal with the half-naked gunmen, which incidentally is a sentence I never thought I’d say! And we’ve probably missed half the fic by now.”

Emm scratched his head. “Well. Um. We could… call the cops or something?”

Kay rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah. Right. Call the cops from inside a badfic. I suppose they’ll send in a generic SWAT team to deal with the generic gunmen, huh?”

There was a pause.

“Er… they… probably will? Yes?” Emm ventured.

Kay sighed, a visible white mushroom shape floating out of her mouth. Normally such things wouldn’t happen in the Haruhi Suzumiya-verse, but the fic had warped canon so much that visible sighs had become possible. “Alright. Fine. We’ll call the cops. Do you have a phone?”

Emm rummaged in the gear. “Nnnnnnope. But this is a Japanese high school!” he said brightly. “They should be easy to find!”

Kay buried her head in her hands. “Why do I get the impression that involves leaving the room and exposing ourselves to the gunmen?”

“Well, they’d be the ones exposing themselves-”

“Shut up.”

The two Agents crept along a hallway, hoping not to run into the thugs again as they hunted for a phone. Well, Emm crept. Kay sort of limped.

“There’s got to be a dead Generic Student around here somewhere,” Kay murmured. “Bastards have probably killed enough of them by now.”

Ahead of them, the Words obediently spawned the ragged body of a teenage girl in a North High seifuku, which would have been tragic if she weren’t grey and faceless.

“Emm, go through her stuff. I’ll keep a lookout.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one keeping a lookout? You’re injured.”

“Yeah, and the nature of said injury makes crouching extremely painful. Go through her stuff.” She took up a cautious watch as Emm rummaged through the girl’s bag.

“OK. Found her phone.” Emm held up a Generic Pink Mobile Phone, which defaulted to a clamshell model.

“Good. Call… what’s the emergency number in Japan?”


“OK. Call…” Kay looked at Emm. “How exactly do you know the Japanese emergency number?”

Emm shrugged. “Plot convenience?”

“…point taken. Call 110 and let’s go find the generic pricks.”

They managed to locate the gunmen in an upper-level hallway. Fortunately, Kay and Emm weren’t spotted – the goons were too busy engaging in a tense standoff with police forces assembled outside.

Emm blinked. “That was fast.”

“I’d guess the Words want these guys gone as much as we do.” Kay noticed a laser dot appear on the head mook’s forehead. “Shit! Get down!”

Kay and Emm hit the deck as there was a CRACK from outside, the glass shattered and the ringleader’s head gained a new orifice. As the rest of the gang began returning fire, Emm crawled forward, behind their backs.

“What are you doing?!” Kay hissed over the chorus of quacks, as loud as she dared.

“Souvenir!” Emm grabbed the dead gunman’s weird purple banana-weapon from next to his corpse, and scurried back to relative safety to marvel at the cops’ preternatural efficiency as one by one the mooks dropped dead under a hail of police bullets.

“You realise you could have got yourself killed doing that!” Kay said, glowering at Emm. The Smirk in his pocket agreed, squeaking angrily.

“Yeah, but I got me a weird machine gun to mount on the wall!”

“You could have done this.” Kay simply reached out with one arm and took the nearest Weird Machine Gun from its late lamented owner. “See?”

“Yeah, but that’s not as fun.”

Kay huffed. “Get a portal up. We have canons to exorcise.”

As Kay and Emm arrived back in the club room, they found Kyon hobbling in, bleeding from the Amazing Wandering Bullet Hole.

“Wait… no time has passed? How?”

“Oh, I set the portal for just after we left.”

Kay stared at Emm. “That’s… amazingly clever of you.”

“I know.”

as the door swung open I saw that she was about to hit me but stopped with a horrified look in her face as I was about to explain my legs started to feel weaker and weaker until I couldn’t support myself and collapsed my. body hitting the floor and hearing haruhi scream in terror as she saw the pool of blood spilling all over the floor was almost as the cold feeling I had all over my body

“That’d be a run-on sentence, if it weren’t for the completely out-of place full stop,” Kay said, after time had stopped sliding sickeningly back and forth between different verb tenses. “As it stands, it’s two run-on sentences.”

Emm, barely managing not to throw up a second time, added “more temporal distortions” to the charge list.

“y..you…your go…ing to be all…all…alright Ok kyon wh…ere going to g…g…g…get you through this” she said in the most shaky voice I ever heard

The upshot of Kyon’s description left Haruhi’s voice vibrating as if she was speaking into a fan. Emm noted “Making Haruhi Stutter” on the charge list.

“haruhi” I said literally forcing the words out

The Agents watched, amused, as Kyon tugged on the word “Haruhi”, which seemed to be stuck in his mouth, for a good thirty seconds before yanking it free.

“Wish I’d thought to bring a camera,” Emm remarked.

she lifted her head to meet my eyes he tears dripping on my face. They almost warmed me up
“I’ve never admitted to it to anyone because I wanted it to be my little secret till I finally found the courage to tell you but I’ve always found you attractive at first it was a small crush then it developed into more and then I finally realized that I loved you and always will” “I LOVE YOU HARUHI SUZUMIYA WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOAL!” I shouted it as loud as I could

The Agents clapped their hands over their ears, nearly deafened by Kyon’s bolded exclamation. The “soal” Kyon had mentioned, meanwhile, had taken the form of a spectral baby horse and was now affectionately nuzzling Haruhi’s leg.

“Note that down,” Kay said, ears ringing. “Creation of phantom foals.”

“What?” Emm cupped one hand to his ear.


as she tried to reply I could tell it was important but I just couldn’t hear her she was pouring her whole heart into this sentence and I couldn’t hear it why. Why now at the last conversation ill ever have why.

Kay managed to watch Haruhi pouring out the contents of a heart-shaped cup into the words she was saying (namely “rhubarb rhubarb watermelon rhubarb watermelon watermelon rhubarb”) before deciding she couldn’t take any more. “Alright! That’s enough!” She stormed forward and grabbed Haruhi, who screamed and kicked in an effort to break free and complete the scene. “No, you don’t,” she insisted, wrestling the girl to the floor despite the blazing pain in her backside. “Rope, Emm!”

Emm pulled the rope out from the bag and tossed it to Kay, who managed to hold Haruhi still long enough to tie her wrists together behind her back and secure her to a table leg. “Drag Kyon over here, I’ll get the exorcism stuff.”

As an unconscious Kyon was placed next to Haruhi, the Agents noticed the colour starting to fade from the room.

“What’s going on?” Emm asked, looking around.

“She’s creating closed space. Light the candle, fast!”

Emm managed to get the candle lit, and Kay grabbed the book and the DVD. “Here goes nothing…”

Her halo appeared over her head with a shwoom sound, or would have done if it made any noise. As it was, it just appeared with the suggestion of a shwoom sound.

“Begone, uncanon!” she proclaimed dramatically, belting Haruhi with the book and Kyon with the DVD. “Begone, vile spirit of bad writing and horrible angst!”

“Avast!” Emm said helpfully.

“…avaunt. It’s avaunt. The word you are looking for is avaunt. Just… just stand over there and mind the ghost horse.”

Emm pouted, but obediently kept a watchful eye on the soal as it chewed on a potted plant.

“Right, where was I… Oh yes. The power of Tanigawa compels you!” Kay smacked the possessed canons again. “The power of Kyoto Animation compels you! Release these characters and leave this place! Avaunt and quit my sight, foul spectre of Sueness!

The two canons screamed, and a dark mist poured from their mouths. As the Agents watched, it resolved itself into a vaguely humanoid shape.

“That must be the Author-wraith. Emm! Charge it!”

“Right!” Emm stepped forward, pulling out the charge list. “Author-wraith! You are hereby charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum with the following crimes: Creating the character of Some through bad grammar; having Kyon say a malapropism, to wit: ‘hair-brained scam’; making Kyon ruin Haruhi’s day by being rude to her of all things; making Kyon snark aloud instead of in his head; creating a ‘Smirk’; reducing the character of Itsuki Koizumi to bit status; completely ignoring the character of Yuki Nagato; time distortion; an ‘explosion of emotion’; making Haruhi scratch her head like a chimp; more time distortion; making Kyon instantly calm Haruhi down somehow and making Haruhi actually want to listen to a word he says…”

He took a deep breath and went on. “Making Haruhi actually stop talking when Kyon interrupts her; making Haruhi grin so wide it almost rips her mouth apart; the creation of the mini-Celestial miss Assihina; making Haruhi shout in all-caps; making coins appear in mid-air; making Kyon ‘gulp his words’; the destruction of miss Assihina the mini-Celestial…” There was a hint of sadness in his voice at that last part. “Hideous bodily distortions; making Haruhi scared of some stupid noise; repetition of ‘so-and-so said in such-and-such a voice’; having a gang of baseball players attempt to rape Haruhi and turning Kyon into some kind of knight in shining armour…”

He wiped his forehead and continued. “The creation of ‘Myface’; making Kyon spout gibberish; creating stereotypical half-naked gangsters with banana-shaped machine guns for the sole purpose of inducing Angst; the murder of goodness only knows how many North High students; having the aforementioned gangsters’ sole motivation be ‘money’ without explaining who paid them and why; more bodily distortions; the introduction of an elf to the Haruhi Suzumiya canon; the Amazing Wandering Bullet Hole; assault on an Agent of the PPC; even more time distortions…”

There was a crash from outside, and Kay saw a very large Celestial smash its fist into a building. “Emm, hurry it up!”

“Making Haruhi stutter; deafening of PPC agents; creation of phantom foals; and making Kyon declare his undying love for Haruhi,” Emm said quickly. “There!”

There was another pause.

“What do we do now? It’s still there.”

“I think we have to use the bell here.”

“Right!” Emm pulled the vuvuzela from his bag and blew with all his might. Kay clapped her hands over her ears as the Author-wraith blew away and canon began to reassert itself. Kyon’s bullet wounds disappeared, dozens of North High students sprang back to life, the fuzzy shape in the chair resolved itself into the form of Yuki Nagato, Mikuru appeared at the tea set, Koizumi appeared at the table, the closed space vanished, and the club room took on its normal, healthy, non-awful-writing appearance.

“Well… one thing left to do.” Kay untied Haruhi. “Attention, SOS Brigade! This way, please! Emm, the neuralyzers.”

Emm handed Kay a neuralyzer, and the Agents shielded their eyes from the flash as she set it off.

“OK. There were no gunmen in North High today. Kyon, you were never shot, and you didn’t declare your love for Haruhi. Haruhi, you were not attacked by a gang of baseball-playing rapists, and Kyon, you didn’t save her. This is an entirely normal day for you all, or will be until Haruhi cooks up her next hare-brained scheme, that’s hare-brained scheme, thankyou, not hair-brained scam.” Kay put the neuralyzer down. “Anything else?”

“Oh, we were never here,” Emm added.

“Yes. Thankyou.” As the club went about their daily business, Kay breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against a cupboard. “If it weren’t for the stabbing pain in my ass, I’d call this a perfect first mission.”

“Hey… what’ll we do about him?” Emm nodded to the soal, which was standing around swishing its tail unnoticed by the canons.

“Well… we can’t leave him here. Bring him back to HQ. And don’t forget the weird machine guns you were so hell-bent on getting.”

“Gotcha.” Emm opened up a portal back to the RC and collected their gear, and the weary Agents led the soal through.

The North High uniforms were replaced with normal clothes as Kay and Emm entered Response Centre #743. Kay collapsed face-down on the bottom bunk. “Urrrgh. So… what do we do with the soal?”

“Cimarron,” Emm said, petting its ghostly mane. “I’ve named him Cimarron.”

“Fine. What are we going to do with Cimarron?”

Emm was about to answer when Cimarron, panicked at the abrupt change of surroundings, whinnied in terror and galloped straight through the wall.

The two Agents stared at the spot where the soal had vanished.

“Well!” Emm said brightly. “That’s one thing we don’t have to worry about.” Suddenly remembering something, he took Grinsby the Smirk out of his pocket and set it down on a shelf. “We should get a terrarium for him or something. Also, your collapsing on the bottom bunk is hereby taken as a statement of claim for said bunk.”

Kay growled. “OK. Fine. You win. Take the top bunk. Just let me rest up a bit before we have to-”


“Aw, dammit!

This fic is dedicated to the memory of miss Assihina, the mini-Celestial.
RIP miss Assihina 

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